Haku's Thoughts and Musings
by PastellRain
Summary: Just a series of drabbles of a shy girl, Haku, and her thoughts. Themes of loneliness and perhaps being depressed. Slight Haku/Luka which might become canon...


My birthday is at that gloomy yet festive time of year. Gloomy for adults, yet festive for kids and people who still have holiday spirit. I'm an adult, barely, yet my bright spirit I had in childhood is already gone. Where did it go?

The Christmas season comes earlier and earlier every year. If I had been born any later, maybe even a day, nobody would remember to celebrate my birthday due to being so wrapped up in the holidays.

There is also Thanksgiving, which sometimes even comes on the day of my birthday. It actually isn't really that bad having a Thanksgiving birthday with the break from school and all. The only downside is that you end up eating far too much in one day. The turkey + birthday cake combo isn't the healthiest one around.

Thanksgiving is an American holiday, and my family is very Americanized in their traditions. We've melted well into the melting pot which is the United States, yet we still are a part of our original culture as well. We celebrate things like Tanabata and go to a special place to do so.

I'm Haku Yowane, a Japanese-American. Though I may look a bit different than the dark-haired, beige-skinned girl that just appeared in your mind. I was born with albinism, meaning I'm an albino. My long white hair, red eyes, and skin as pale as paper make me stand out, not in a way I want to. I've gotten many comments saying I look like a ghost. The stares never feel good. People need to look at my face to tell that I'm in fact, Asian. I've unfortunately been bullied for being both. In high school, more people knew me as "The Albino Asian" than anything else I truly was.

I need to wear sunscreen almost every day when it isn't overcast, due to my pale skin with no melaninーwhich means no natural protection against the sun. I'm so afraid of getting skin cancer or any severe damage. Sunlight is bad for my health, which is so cliche. I'm almost like a vampire, complete with my bloodshot eyes and downcast demeanor.

My eyesight is something I consider a lucky trait. Many albinos struggle with poor eyesight, even enough to be considered legally blind. My eyes are simply okay, as long as I wear contact lenses. I treasure my eyesight, I really do. I need it to read books, paint pictures, and to simply just look at the beautiful world around me. I could never imagine losing any of my senses.

Without my sight, I wouldn't be able to live. Without my hearing, I wouldn't have been able to hear her voice.

I'm very shy. My mother and stepdad were kind enough to take me to karaoke, but in the end, I didn't sing. I regretted it. After all, they did it for me. I was going to overcome my shyness in front of a crowd and become someone. My family was cheering for me. But in the end, I was shot down.

The thing that shot me down was her voice.

It haunts my memories today, creeping up my spine and sending my sense of memory on a journey. The girl with the cascading pink hair and eyes like round sapphires, wearing an ocean-blue dress with a flowing wave-patterned bolero. Her voice was like the sea itself. It was grand, it pulled in and out like the erratic tide, under perfect control. It submerged me in its depth and swept me away, washing away all my courage I had to perform. She sparkled. She was a professional on an amateur stage.

The girl, about my age but much more accomplished, glanced my way several times as she sang. My heart fluttered each and every time those cobalt eyes gleamed in my direction. She gave me a small smile. It could've been for anyone yet it resonated within my vision.

I was never going to be as radiant as her as long as I lived.

I went home that day and sobbed a bit, thinking that if somebody like her existed in this world, than what was I? That's when her voice came up again in my memory. I imagined it over and over, and it helped me fall asleep that night.

I now want to be like her, the girl I saw at karaoke. Dazzling, devoted, fearless. I never learned her name, nor her story or anything about her. But her impact will continue to prosper on on my heart.

* * *

Author's Note: Okay... I found this on my tumblr and it was from 2014. I didn't even remember writing this until today.

I might just make this into a drabble series with slight Haku/Luka. It might have some sort of a story, who knows?

My other fic, "Coping With Emetophobia" is similar, a series of introspective drabbles, though it focuses on anxiety and a bit of coming of age. It draws very heavily from my personal experiences. I'm planning on making it more than just about emetophobia, but also Haku realizing she is gay and loves Neru. It's a little cliche, but I also discovered I liked girls around the time I was being bothered with emetophobia and anxiety.

So this turned into a ramble about myself. Sometimes I just like to write things that are really close to me, rather than stories from scratch.


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